


Monster

by TacoLoveTwoWays



Category: The Blacklist (US TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Love, Love Confessions, Protective Raymond Reddington, set right after 2x14
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:27:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23116219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TacoLoveTwoWays/pseuds/TacoLoveTwoWays
Summary: Red realizes that Lizzie cares for him enough to risk her life for him, and he doesn't think he can live with himself if she risked her life for him again; so he does what he thinks he has to in order for her to be safe.But, as always; Lizzie surprises him.
Relationships: Elizabeth Keen/Raymond Reddington
Comments: 7
Kudos: 80





	Monster

Raymond Reddington was a realist. It was something that he prided himself in, and _realistically_ , he knew that when Lizzie told him that she cared about him; he should have accepted it for what it was, and not felt hope.

Lizzie saw him as an asset. She saw him as a confidant, and perhaps; if he was at all lucky, Lizzie saw him as a friend.

But the look she had in her eyes when she told Red that she risked her life because she cared about him? When she asked if she felt undeserving of compassion? When she teared up when Red thanked her for his salvation, but requested that she never do such a thing again? It all gave him hope… Hope that Red might one day mean something more to Lizzie than just an asset to her career.

He knew that it was selfish; but Red was a selfish man. At least that was what he had been told for the last thirty years or so… But when it came to Lizzie, he could never be selfish. Not when it put her in harm’s way.

He could hope and wish for something more between them until he was blue in the face; but he would never act upon his feelings. He was too old, too scarred (literally _and_ figuratively), too broken, too callous, and too evil to ever be worthy of Lizzie’s love; and everything she said in that car the night prior was true.

Red wasn’t capable of letting himself be vulnerable because he felt unworthy. Because he _was_ unworthy. But he was also incapable of letting Lizzie be put at risk for his own benefit. Lizzie was the one thing he would always put first in his life.

Lizzie: Smart, beautiful, brilliant Lizzie; was his everything, and that was why he had to do the hardest thing would ever have to do…

He was going to take himself out of Lizzie’s life; because all he was managing to do anymore was put Lizzie in unnecessarily dangerous situations that she would never have had to be in if Red hadn’t imposed himself into her life. He was tired of putting her at risk, tired of getting her hurt… So he was going to go and tell Lizzie that she was right. He _wasn’t_ worthy, and despite how vigorously he loved her, he had to leave in order to do what was best for Lizzie.

Then, after she screamed and yelled, and angrily kicked him out of her room, he would take himself and his shattered heart to some random place that no one but Dembe knew about; and set in a protection detail for Lizzie from afar.

He would always make sure she was safe, even if he couldn’t be the one protecting her; he just hoped that Lizzie would one day forgive him, and maybe, just maybe, ask about him on occasion. He wasn’t sure if he had the strength to stay away from her for very long, but he knew that he would do whatever it took (including turning himself into the authorities for real if it came down to it) in order to keep Lizzie safe.

When he reached Lizzie’s motel room door, he took a deep breath and readied himself. He knew it was going to be excruciating. He wasn’t sure if his heart would be able to handle this… And he’d handled many, many, _many_ devastating things throughout his lifetime.

Finally, he got up the courage to knock on Lizzie’s door. He knocked once. Twice. Three times. Then, finally, the door swung open to reveal Liz looking breathtaking in her sleep attire.

“Red? What are you doing here?” She asked worriedly.

Red couldn’t stop his eye from twitching at the question. It was a nervous tick that happened whenever he didn’t want to talk about something specifically painful; and he was sure that it was a tell that Lizzie had picked up on along their rocky relationship. What he was about to do was something he never imagined himself doing, so the way his eye twitched wasn’t shocking to him; but it was irritating, nonetheless.

He ignored the twitching however, and looked straight into Lizzie eyes. He loved her so much it overwhelmed him. He would go to the depths of hell and back for her… He technically already did when she was younger and he pulled her out of that fire; but he would do it again in a heartbeat. So what he was about to do was something he never imagined himself doing, it was actually the last thing in the world he wanted to do. But here he was, about to break his own heart. “Hi, Lizzie.” He replied calmly; foregoing her question.

She looked at him in confusion. “Red, what’s going on?”

Red gave her a quick sad smile and sighed. “I love you, Lizzie. You have to know that.”

Liz’s worried expression grew fearful. “ _Red_?”

He sighed and took off his hat. “I’m here because I’ve thought a lot about our post-auction conversation last night, and I’ve reluctantly come to the realization that you’re right.” He admitted sadly as he placed gentle hands on Liz’s shoulders. “As always you’re right… I am uncapable of letting people in, and your decision to risk your life to come back for me is exactly why I can’t. I _desperately_ want to let you in, Lizzie. More than anything I want to be close to you. But you caring about me is something I _don’t_ deserve. Nor can I risk your life ever again.”

Lizzie’s eyes were pained as she furrowed her brows. “So what are you saying? That you want me to just, what? To just stop caring about you?”

Red responded by clenching his jaw. No, that’s not at all what he wanted. He wanted her to fall in love with him. He wanted her to kiss him, to let him give her the world. He wanted to get flse identities and start a new life with her in Bora Bora. He wanted _anything_ but this. But none of that could happen. He was old enough to be her father (she even accused him of that at one point) He was scarred beyond recognition all over his body from the burns he received during the fire, and the multiple torture sessions he had to endure throughout his life. He was a murderer, a thief, a conman… He’d ruined Liz’s entire life. There was nothing that he deserved less than Lizzie’s love.

Lizzie tore herself away from him. “Are you serious? You expect me to just… Just _what_ stop caring about you after everything we’ve gone through? Care isn’t a switch that you can just turn on and off on a whim, Red! _You_ forced yourself into my life. _You_ chiseled your way through the multitude of walls I had built up around my heart and forced your way inside like a bull in a china shop! You can’t just expect me to be able to kick you out of it and rebuild them after you crumbled them down!”

Red’s heart ached, and he yearned to take away Lizzie’s distress. He longed to just reach out and envelop her in a hug and take away all the pain she felt. But he couldn’t, it would make things harder on them both, and he was no longer worthy… He never truly was. Liz deserved so much better. “Lizzie, you are the most important thing in the world to me. I wish for nothing more than to turn back time and redo our past so that our… _acquaintanceship_ could be more normal… Could be healthier… But I can’t, and I will not allow myself to put you in harm’s way ever again. I didn’t come here to tell you to stop caring about me, I didn’t come here to make you hate me, although I deserve it. I came here to tell you that after tonight, you won’t see me again.”

Liz’s face turned heartbroken. “ _What?!”_

Red gave minute shaky nod and continued. “I’m leaving Lizzie, and I’m not coming back. But I wanted you to know why. I wanted to say goodbye, I couldn’t let you think that I abandoned you, because I am not capable of that.” He admitted, slowly taking a step closer to see if Lizzie would let him hold her. When Liz didn’t back away, he closed the distance between them and caressed her cheek. “You deserve so much better than I have given you or what I _could_ give you. I truly am sorry, Lizzie. For all the pain that I’ve caused you.” With that, he placed a kiss to her forehead, and turned to walk away forever.

“NO!” Came Lizzie’s frantic response. “You don’t get to walk away from me! Not after everything we’ve gone through together. You can’t just leave me!”

Red clenched his jaw and closed his eyes. Hearing the pain in Lizzie’s voice killed something inside of him that he wasn’t even aware existed before. “ _Lizzie_ …”

“No! Red, you can’t leave me. What the hell am I supposed to do without you?! Do you really think that leaving me is going to solve anything? If you disappear, I’ll just start searching for you. I will hunt you down, and I will go to _all_ of your friends, _and_ enemies to get intel, and I’m pretty sure that will put me at even greater risk than you being here with me. I don’t care what it takes, or how long it will be. I will find you, or I’ll die trying.”

Red turned around and fixed Lizzie with pleading eyes. “You have to let me go, Elizabeth. I know you want your answers, and if I could give them to you, I would. I swear to you, but for your safety you have to let me, _and_ those questions you have, go.”

“I CAN’T!” Liz cried, and _oh_ the pain he was feeling was overwhelming him. He hated hurting her. He genuinely wanted to die.

“Lizzie, I will always be there for you whenever you need me. Whatever I’m doing, wherever I’m at, if you need me, I’ll drop everything and help you. But I don’t think you’ll need me. You are much stronger than I or anyone else gives you credit for.”

“No, I’m not. I’m not strong at all. I _do_ need you. Almost losing you last night made me realize that I love you, Red.”

Red swallowed back his hope as he shook his head. He wished more than anything that those words were true… That if they were true, he could act on them, but they weren’t, and he couldn’t. “You don’t mean that.” He said mournfully. “You were just scared of losing me as an asset. Scared of losing the chance to get your answers.”

Lizzie looked offended and shook her head. She took Red’s face into her hands, and despite himself, Red leaned into her touch. He craved it more than anything.   
After a few moments, Lizzie said the words Red had desperately coveted to hear. “No, Red. I love you… I-I actually think that I’m _in love_ with you.”

No. This wasn’t right. Lizzie _can’t_ love Red. She had no idea what she was talking about. She deserved so much better than him. This was going to make everything so much harder on him. He wanted more than anything for her love to be true; but it wasn’t. Lizzie was just scared of losing her answers… or perhaps this was some form of Stockholm Syndrome. Either way, Lizzie could never _actually_ love him. “You don’t love me. You can’t.”

“But I _do_!” Lizzie exclaimed exasperatedly; it was clear that she was almost on the verge of tears.

Red shook his head at a loss for what else to do. He didn’t want to leave her like this; he was powerless against her and could never do anything to intentionally hurt her. So, no matter how hard it was going to be for him; he was going to show her how unlovable he truly was. He was going to show her how ugly and monstrous he was.

He stepped back from her. “You think you love me, but if you knew everything about me, you’d reconsider.” He declared, his heart breaking as he took off his jacket, and vest before moving to the buttons of his undershirt. He averted his eyes to the floor as soon as he got the last button undone and started to pull his shirt off. Seeing the look of utter disgust he was sure Lizzie would have when she saw the real him would destroy him; but he knew it was better to have Lizzie realize she could never _actually_ love him than to leave her after she confessed her love for him.

He took off his shirt and spread his arms out wide to put himself and his marred body on full display for Lizzie to judge. “You see, Lizzie? I’ve murdered thousands. I’ve stolen hundreds of millions of dollars’ worth of goods. I’ve ruined countless lives. I’ve tortured hundreds. I’ve lived the life of a monster and I’ve got the body of one to go with it. You _can’t_ love me.” He closed his eyes and steadied his breathing. He wasn’t sure he could handle what Lizzie was going to say in response.

But instead of hearing Lizzie crack his heart in two by admitting that she could never love him, he felt her soft, gentle hands run down his back; sending waves of desire and love throughout his entire body. His heart ached, he wanted to touch her back, he wanted to cave in and love her; to run away with her, but he still wasn’t sure what this meant.

How could she even stand touching him? Didn’t she see how much of a monster he was? Didn’t she see that she deserved so much more than _him?_ His stomach turned…. What if she was about to break his heart?

“Lizzie?” He asked softly, still feeling too vulnerable and too nervous to move.

“You’re wrong. I can’t stop loving you, Red.” She whispered. “I have to be honest, I resented you for a long, _long_ time… But you are the one person that has always been there for me. You have saved my life, comforted me, exposed me to the truth about my husband, protected me, helped me stay out of jail, and you have always, always, _always_ been there to support me whenever I needed a shoulder to cry on. I know that you’ve killed people but I also know that almost all of the people you’ve killed made the world better by leaving it. You aren’t a bad person, and you aren’t a monster.”

Red looked up into Liz’s eyes to find nothing but sincerity in them. His heart exploded with joy. He didn’t understand this. How he was lucky enough to have the most beautiful woman in the world’s love, but he needed to make sure this was real. “But… my body, Lizzie. My age, I-,”

“Your body isn’t what I fell in love with, Reddington, so if you thought it would scare me away you were wrong. I have a burn scar too. I was insecure about it for years, but I fell in love with it. And I’m in love with yours too.” She said. She then placed a tender kiss to Red’s scarred shoulder. “I love every part of you. All of your scars; all of your quirks. Everything.”

Red let out a shaky breath. He knew that what he was about to do was selfish, but as he said… He was a selfish man, and since he would protect Lizzie at the expense of the world, and Lizzie _wanted_ him; who was he to deny her what she wanted? He wrapped his arms around Lizzie’s waist and pulled her into him. “Run away with me, Lizzie. I need to protect you. I'm in love with you too, I have been from the moment you introduced yourself to me as Agent Keen. So please, I will give you _anything_ you want, but we have to stop with the blacklist. We have to disappear. It’s the only way to keep you safe. We can start a life together, and I can find the doctor that's rumored to be able to stop age progression so we can live together for decades in pure bliss. Just... Run away with me, Lizzie.”

Lizzie looked up into his eyes, and for a moment, Red prepared himself for a rejection and heartbreak (one he’d been anxiously dreading all night) but instead, Lizzie smiled and leaned in to kiss him; collecting his lips in the most extraordinary kiss of Red’s life.

When they pulled back, Red looked at Lizzie with hope in his eyes, and love in his heart.

Lizzie smiled. “I’ll start packing.”

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first Lizzington fic, so I would really appreciate feedback. 
> 
> Would you be interested in more Lizzington fics by me in the future? :)


End file.
